👋 hi fall

bye summer

Hi lovers!

Today feels like the first day of fall here in North Dallas¹. It has dropped below 65F, so I have pulled out my hoodie + flannel ensemble. It also feels morally wrong to my fellow Americans, especially my evangelical-christian-girl-autumn neighbors, that I don’t have a pumpkin spice latte in hand. Even though I find pumpkin spice to be obnoxious.

Anyways, fall in Texas is confusing because one day it’s tank tops, the next day it’s my best Steve-Jobs-turtleneck. The weather cannot make up its mind. No hate though, I’m also indecisive when deciding how many pastries to pile on my tray at 85°C Bakery Cafe. Nevertheless, summer seems to half-melt into an ambiguous brown mush that resembles autumn until *BAM*, it’s winter and we’re having freak ice-storms that destroy our power grid.

This is all a long tangent to say that since this weekend has actually felt like autumn, I took this as a sign to embrace my next season of life. And in order to move into fall, I wanted to reflect and get closure from this summer. I journaled to this list of questions below that I got from Reset Learning Studio’s Substack post to help me get started.

Journal prompts:

1. What were the highlights of my summer? What am I grateful for from the past three months?

2. What were the challenges of my summer? What am I grieving this summer?

3. What is my bucket list for the next three months?

4. How can I intentionally close this season?

5. What am I looking forward to in the fall?

As I wrote down my unadulterated thoughts, I was surprised by how much I have grieved this summer. Specifically around friendships as my college friend unexpectedly passed away at the age of 25 and I ended a relationship with a close friend I’ve known since high school. Grief is hard and weird, especially because I prefer to try and understand why I feel a certain way instead of allowing myself to feel and be present with my emotions and feelings. I’m slowly coming to terms with the fact that the outcome of my friendships are out of my control. As Hua Hsu² wrote in his memoir Stay True,

“The intimacy of friendship lies in the sensation of recognizing oneself in the eyes of another. We continue to know our friend, even after they are no longer present to look back at us. From that very first encounter, we are always preparing for the eventuality that we might outlive them, or they us. We are already imagining how we may someday remember them. This isn’t meant to be sad. To love friendship, he³ writes, “one must love the future”.”

Some friends are for life. Some friends come and go with the season. Not just in friendships, but across all relationships like partnerships and parental dynamics. So, I’ve had to re-evaluate what is actually within my control.

What is in my control is:

⭐ to forgive myself and others

⭐ to love myself and others

⭐ to be brave and allow myself to soften into vulnerability in hopes of true friendship and love

The rest I choose to let go.

---

🍂 For this fall and the upcoming 3 months,

I choose to let go of:

• limiting habits, beliefs, and people

• the pressure to push through

• eating past 10PM because it makes me feel icky

to invite space for:

• 🧍more human “human experiences”

  • according to writer Jia Tolentino⁴, human “human experiences” are “unmediated” and “unsurveilled” moments when one feels “actually human”, such as going dancing, attending a live music performance, and having sex

• 🥕carrot energy: growing and transforming “underground” without worrying about how it looks like externally

• 🎨 creating with my hands: doodling, cooking, and baking

my moodboard for the rest of 2023

Since I’m a visual learner, I created a virtual moodboard on Milanote⁵ for this fall. I set this moodboard as my desktop background so I can see it everyday. This has been game-changer since my object permanence buffers. If you’re inspired to create your own moodboard, here’s a video tutorial to get you started.

Alrighty! Please be gentle and gracious with yourself. You’re doing AMAZING love. I’m sending you a virtual hug until I can do so in person. Warmest, Sondra 💗

🍴Quote I’m chewing on:

Ten thousand flowers in spring, the moon in autumn,
a cool breeze in summer, snow in winter.
If your mind isn't clouded by unnecessary things,
this is the best season of your life.

- Wu Men Hui

🎵🔁 Song on repeat:

1. Ok I know according to the calendar, the first day of fall was September 24. But whateva

2. Hua Hsu is an author and staff writer at the New Yorker. He also went to Berkeley #gobears and lived in the North Dallas suburbs that I currently reside. Small world huh

3. Hua Hsu is referring to philosopher Jacques Derrida who delivered a series of seminar lectures on the subject of friendship in the late 1980s

4. Jia Tolentino is an author and staff writer on the New Yorker who I’m currently obsessed with. Take a listen to this podcast she spoke on if you’re interested to here more on her perspective

5. This is a personal referral link!